Short experiment?

The long and short of it, no.  It is amazing how fast a couple of weeks can go by when things are busy.  The girls were sick, then I was sick, then Amy got it.  Of course none of them were the "I'm really sick and now I'm better", for me at least, it is the, I've been dragging this out for 2 weeks stuff.  On top of all of that, Amy and I both have been sleeping pretty terrible lately and have been making bedtime as early as possible each night, so I haven't given myself much time to write a post.

I have fallen behind on my recording, however something I have noticed since I've started this is that I am a bit more mindful of my words, even without being recorded.  I still have not been able to find that golden nugget where in my head I sound sweet as pie, but in reality, I sound really mean.  I know I do it, just haven't heard it yet.  I am hopping that next week I will be able to get back to my routine and start listening and posting again.

Until then, I haven't forgotten, just way too much going on.

Josh

Expectations

This post has been brewing for a few days as I have not had time lately to write.  Between everything we have had going on and I am trying to fight off my annual late October cold, it just hasn't made it out of my head.

Listening to myself talk the other day,  I noticed another element that directly impacts my reaction and tone. That is my expectation of said events.  One of the reasons for my work related frustrated tone is my expectation of my co-workers or just others that I interact with on a daily basis.  I personally think it is not unreasonable to have such high expectations, however, how I react when they are not met probably needs some adjusting.

It really amazes me at what I think someone should be fired for and what actually gets someone fired.  If I were the owner/boss, I would probably have a very lean workforce.  What I tend to find myself in is a mindset that if it is A) elementary level cognitive skills, a grown adult should possess that skill.  B) If this is a job that someone has done for a long time, they should know how to do it. C)If they have been shown or the directions on how to do it are readily available, they should be able to figure it out.  Finally, D) If your company provides a certain product or service you should actually understand or be able to source all that the service or product entails.

All of those things help drive me to be a good employee, however, when I work with someone that does not meet those, I tend to lose patience very easy.  This is the part I have to work on.  How can I go about expressing my displeasure or working through the issue without sounding like a jerk?  This, I have not mastered.  It is something that even now is an issue for me.  This is something that I can apply the Gospel to. I should have a deep appreciation for the Grace God has shown me all the times I have done things I knew I shouldn't have and made the same mistakes over and over no matter how many times I had "learned my lesson".  Acting the way I do above puts me in a really lousy position.  I freely accept God's Grace for me, however, I believe I am above that standard when someone else makes what I feel to be a dumb or lazy mistake.

It goes the same for the way I treat Amy, and down the road, the girls.  Right now, the girls get a pass on most things because they are only 2 and 3 1/2, but as they get older and start to make the same mistakes over and over, how am I going to react?  Hopefully by then, God will grow me so that I will make fewer jerkish comments and more grace filled comments.

Not a lot to go on with this thought, other than recognizing I do this and needing to add it to my mental checklist before words leave my mouth.  Hopefully in the next day or two, I am going to be able to listen to more of my recordings and get a feel for how I really sound to others on the phone.  Most of what I wrote about tonight is how my minds ear hears it, so if it is like other conversations, it will probably be an eye opener.


Josh

What is the point of this?

What is the point of this? I realized that as I start to blog about myself, I need to keep Jesus in the main focus.  I want to make sure that as I grow through this exercise, that the only true growth is getting closer to God.

It is very easy to focus on myself during this and to try to give myself credit for making changes to my "methods" of communicating.  However, what I want to keep in mind that as I continue, as I hear more of how I speak to others, I need to let God lead my heart to sin areas in my life that need fixing.  I need to realize that as we see the truth about ourselves, it is God revealing another part of our life we need to give to Him.

It is a great thing that we experience progressive sanctification.  Think back to a time when a boss/teacher/coach/spouse or friend unloaded a list of all the things wrong with you or something you did at the same time.  It is nearly impossible to deal with such a list or even accept all the things pointed out to you. God treats us the same way.  He reveals things to us slowly so that we can have a heart change and not just behaviour modification.

As I listen to how I argue, I am starting to hear things about how I say something that is not really that effective.  I also tend to unload a list.  Again, stemming from my need to purge an entire topic all at once, I have a terrible "is this worth it" filter.  Even tonight, I received an email from a vendor on the west coast.  It was nothing like the conversation I had with them earlier today, however, since they were still working, I picked up the phone and dealt with it.  Not because it was all that pressing, but because it frustrated me and I wanted a resolution tonight.

I have to learn to step away from situations and accept a wait it out mentality, especially when something is non-essential.  Achieving this will allow me to think through my conversations before having them and hopefully, help me discern what is worth the words.

What are your guides for deciding what is worth the fight/conversations and when to just let it go?

Overall, I want to make sure I use this to bring Glory to God, to let the growth be spiritual heart growth, not behaviour modification and remind myself, it is because of our sin I am this way, but Praise God, our sin is dead and we are no longer slaves to it. Rom 6:14.  This means, that I can change for Gods Glory because it is HE who lives in me.


Josh

I can't remember

Tonight's blog will be pretty short.  I had a really neat idea of how I was going to tie in a scene from The Jerk when he is the weight guesser and it was all dandy, but now that I am writing, I have no clue what I was thinking about.

It was interesting wearing it around work all day today.  Nothing too exciting going on, and nothing really much to glean from it.  It was a fairly uneventful day today.  I did notice that I mumble, a lot.  It is something that I have always done and I am aware of it, but just like any of you, when you hear yourself, you really see how bad it is.  Most of my mumbling comes from trying to talk too quickly.  It is a very hard thing for me to control my pacing, because if I slow down too much, my brain has moved so far past what I am trying to say, the thought is gone.  I have ADD and if you don't, it is hard to explain.  Just imagine if you have 10 people talking to you all at once and you can hear everything everyone is saying.  Then imagine that you feel compelled to answer all 10 people as quickly as they are speaking to you.  Yeah, that is a glimpse inside my head.  Sometimes, it can make conversations VERY difficult, especially with 2 little girls constantly talking as well.

Given that thought, that is not the direction I intended for my blog, but it highlights a contributing factor to my sometimes black and white approach to conversations.  When I am talking to Amy especially, I am trying very hard to get the whole thought out in a reasonable amount of time. 1) the mumbling (fast talking) and 2) my delivery, i.e., the reason for this blog.  I think one of the reasons I come across so cold or direct, I am just trying to get it out before my brain moves on and to me, it is just facts that I need to process.  Also for me, even saying basic facts is kind of like getting something off your chest.  When I can "purge" it from my brain, it frees up another spot for me to think about something else.

Not that the above revelation justifies what I do, just more for me to help understand why I do it.  Just to help reinforce how my brain is a jumbled mess, the paragraph below this one, was written before this one.  I had already moved on to thought #2 and all the above came out. 

We did finally make it to the grocery store tonight and of course, when I wish I had the recording going, the battery had already died and I didn't get it.  I do feel like I was a little more in tune to what I was saying, I can't really say that it changed much, but I was a little more aware.  Something I learned/clicked with me tonight that came out in a "conversation" with Amy, is that in my quest to organize the dailies for our family, it comes out as I am setting Amy's to-do list so to speak.  While that is not my intention, that is what is sounds like.

So my two take-aways tonight, I mumble and I don't need to try to plan for everyone, if I can let that go, that might make room for other stuff in my brain.

Josh

Even if I am right

Day 2 or blog 2, I think I might start calling it by blog numbers, it will help it all make sense.  Interesting start to this whole thing as I decided to wear my pen on Saturday to take Odette to the Dr. and then we thought, to Trader Joe's.  Just to clear it up, Trader Joe's and Traderjoes, while when said, sound the same, are not the same points on a map and there is not a Trader Joe's in a business park, while there is a Traderjoes.  (If you didn't figure it out, we didn't make it to the grocery store).

Saturday started off pretty well, but given the short story above, tension started to get a little high in the car.  I have not had a chance to listen to much from the recording, except for one section where Amy and I got into a little tiff.  What I noticed from this is how mean I can sound.

While during this particular argument, it could be argued that I was the "victim" and was being treated un-fairly, however, it has started to occur(I have a long way to go) to me that it doesn't really matter.  When I heard how aggressive I sounded, it was kind of bothersome or  more of a "really?", did that argument warrant such a tone.

This has started the thought process of when is it ok to stand up and defend/correct/chastise someone when they are "wronging" you and further, what is the correct tone to assume?  I am curious what others use as a rule of thumb?  Especially in the heat of the moment?  I am quick to caution my tone with the girls, and I feel like a do a decent job of it.  That being said, why am I not as aggressively guarded with Amy or others?  Mostly Amy, because if yall are anything like me, there is a level of filter that you apply from complete stranger to family member.  We all have it, but with some, it is a little less obvious.

Not a lot to gleam from one set of recordings other than to ponder when is "stern Josh" justified and when is it not.  I am curious though, does anyone have any insight on standing up to your spouse from a nice position vs. stern?

Tomorrow will be my first day wearing it at work, I think it will be interesting.

Josh

The tone of your voice

It's not what you say, it's how you say it!

Well, a few things to start off with.  One, I am terrible at design and making my page look good, Amy, on the other hand, rocks at making things match and look good, so if you want to see a blog that is snazzy, head on over to http://alooscloset.blogspot.com/ .  Second, this is going to be interesting experiment for me, and I am going to try to update as much as possible.  Feel free to comment on my post, just be nice if you disagree with me.  Lastly, I haven't really blogged in forever, the last (and only) post I had on my blogger was from Nov 2008, so hopefully, this will start a helpful trend for me, I enjoy writing my thoughts out, so I think it will be good.  Now on with the whole "experiment".

The tone of my voice.  My title for day 1 is the motivation for my experiment and blogging.  Amy and I have been married almost 6 years.  Something that has not changed since the day we said "I do" is my approach to differences.  For those that know me, I generally have a very black and white approach to decisions.  At times in business, it is very helpful, other times in personal life, not so much.  When I see something that I think is illogical or could be done differently (my way) I do not have a problem sharing the way I see it being done. Now, we get to the title.  Once I determine I am going to comment on how something is being done, I blurt it out.  In my head it is all roses and peaches, but to the untrained ear, it can sound very rude and condescending.  I don't mean to, I really don't.  Unfortunately, to the person on the other side of my mouth, they can't hear the words as they sound in my head, only how I speak to them and how it makes them feel.

I rarely intend to say things to be cruel, think less of, or different of a person when I say something, but when the logic steps someone took are not apparent, I feel the need to help them "understand".  When someone is gifted with being right all the time, we feel like we should bless everyone with our talent.  :)  Don't get me wrong, I really don't think I am right all the time, it just sounds that way because of the tone of my voice.

After a series of enlightening conversations recently, where how I sounded vs. what I said was explained to me, I decided I really wanted to try to change how I say things.  As I mentioned early, I really don't intend to sound like a jerk and when I do, I can't even hear it myself.  My minds ear sounds very neutral when I present a comment.  This is my biggest problem, even if you stop me mid-sentence of my unintended rude comment, I still don't hear it.  So, in order to find out how I really sound, I have decided to start recording myself every day.  I have bought a nifty 4GB "spy pen" that will allow me to record almost a days worth of blabbering.  Then, on a regular basis, I am going to listen to myself and see what I really sound like and hope to identify key elements in my speech that I think sound one way, but in reality sound completely different.

I hope to hear what other people hear and learn to take the extra breath before I speak, or to change my approach so as to not come across like a condescending jerk.  In my effort to grow closer to God and become more like Jesus, kindness in speech is an area that I need lots of work.  I will go out of my way to help you, I just sometimes, sound like a jerk when doing it.

Please follow along, offer advice, and maybe if you find yourself in my shoes, I will motivate you to listen to how you sound instead of what you say. In an attempt to be more like Jesus and treat my spouse and others the way He treats us, I pray this experiment is a success.

Here's to changes,

Josh