You big meanie

It is amazing how us humans are such a proud race.  "I'm not going to let someone do that to,,, ME!" The nerve of someone to think the universe does not revolve around me...  I can't imagine why everyone does not realize that in my world I am right, even when I realize I am not.

One thing I will not do is defend the indefensible.  If I'm caught with red paint on my hands and the wall behind me has my hand prints, I am not going to try to defend myself.  However, if you are, in my head, unseasonably mean to me, I will not stand for it.  Most of the time, I am going to look for allies to make sure my indignation is in check, then watch out, I will return fire with logic that at times, can make your head spin.

What is interesting is that when dealing with the "public" I generally will use my logic and stay fairly civil with the opposing side, but with my family, mostly Amy, I turn in to Mr. Jerk pants.  How dare she speak ill at me! I find myself looking for an instant epiphany from her to understand exactly where I am coming from, what I meant, regardless of my tone and what I have subconsciously deemed as an acceptable response/behaviour from her.  I mean, how could she possibly be thinking the same thing about me? I didn't do anything wrong...

90% of the time, if I just walked away and waited 10 min, the disagreement is either a) a mute point or b) not nearly as earth shattering as I thought.  Although, as I mentioned in my first sentence, why would I let that happen, I am right.

The other 10% of the time...ok 90% of the time, what I intended to be nothing more than a factual statement, is construed as a vicious personal attack on Amy.  To me, stating, "dinner is not ready? you said an hour" is really nothing more than a verbal notation that it has been an hour and well, dinner is not ready.  Thus expecting the same logical response from her of, "yep, it'll be about 20 more min."

However, as I'm told, when it comes out of my mouth it sounds something along the lines of "you suck at life and I do not appreciate your efforts to make a tasty dinner for our family". How the translation is lost, I don't know... well, I can't really say that, since a year ago I started this blog with the intention of examining myself and the tone of my voice to try to get to the bottom of it.

I can tell you that I am not exactly there.  I get so frustrated that I hold myself and my words to a much lower standard to my wife than I do anyone outside of my household.  Especially since I have to live with her everyday.  One would think I would put my forth my best effort here at home.

The other item is my desire to resolve any conflict/problem/issue etc. instantly.  It is interesting, I only have that drive to resolve something immediately is if it is bad, or if I feel wronged.  If it meets that criteria, I want it cleared up immediately.  Because of this, when I might actually be right and be due an apology, I generally escalate the situation to the point where I've now stepped in it and started making factual statements.

Learning to stop for a min and walk away is something I have to work on.  I also have to convince myself of the truth that walking away for a min is not a sign of weakness or a way of conceding my perceived victory to the enemy(Amy).  It simply is the wise choice to make sure I don't say something I can't take back.

Mrs. Britt used to talk to me about being careful with my words.  She told me on multiple times that she did not allow gossip or cross words to come from her beauticians.  Running a beauty shop for 50 years full of women will tend to teach you a thing or two about keeping your mouth shut.  I sure do miss her.  She had a lot of wisdom that she attempted to impart to me and for that, I am very grateful.

Till next week, pray that I take a step to step away when the time is appropriate.


Josh


PS. while writing this blog, I had a Semisonic Youtube mix playing on the tv.  Between the fact that when I was 15 I lived in this house and the music is all from the 90's, I sure felt like it was 1997 and I was watching MTV.

The tone of your voice

It's not what you say, it's how you say it!

Well, a few things to start off with.  One, I am terrible at design and making my page look good, Amy, on the other hand, rocks at making things match and look good, so if you want to see a blog that is snazzy, head on over to http://alooscloset.blogspot.com/ .  Second, this is going to be interesting experiment for me, and I am going to try to update as much as possible.  Feel free to comment on my post, just be nice if you disagree with me.  Lastly, I haven't really blogged in forever, the last (and only) post I had on my blogger was from Nov 2008, so hopefully, this will start a helpful trend for me, I enjoy writing my thoughts out, so I think it will be good.  Now on with the whole "experiment".

The tone of my voice.  My title for day 1 is the motivation for my experiment and blogging.  Amy and I have been married almost 6 years.  Something that has not changed since the day we said "I do" is my approach to differences.  For those that know me, I generally have a very black and white approach to decisions.  At times in business, it is very helpful, other times in personal life, not so much.  When I see something that I think is illogical or could be done differently (my way) I do not have a problem sharing the way I see it being done. Now, we get to the title.  Once I determine I am going to comment on how something is being done, I blurt it out.  In my head it is all roses and peaches, but to the untrained ear, it can sound very rude and condescending.  I don't mean to, I really don't.  Unfortunately, to the person on the other side of my mouth, they can't hear the words as they sound in my head, only how I speak to them and how it makes them feel.

I rarely intend to say things to be cruel, think less of, or different of a person when I say something, but when the logic steps someone took are not apparent, I feel the need to help them "understand".  When someone is gifted with being right all the time, we feel like we should bless everyone with our talent.  :)  Don't get me wrong, I really don't think I am right all the time, it just sounds that way because of the tone of my voice.

After a series of enlightening conversations recently, where how I sounded vs. what I said was explained to me, I decided I really wanted to try to change how I say things.  As I mentioned early, I really don't intend to sound like a jerk and when I do, I can't even hear it myself.  My minds ear sounds very neutral when I present a comment.  This is my biggest problem, even if you stop me mid-sentence of my unintended rude comment, I still don't hear it.  So, in order to find out how I really sound, I have decided to start recording myself every day.  I have bought a nifty 4GB "spy pen" that will allow me to record almost a days worth of blabbering.  Then, on a regular basis, I am going to listen to myself and see what I really sound like and hope to identify key elements in my speech that I think sound one way, but in reality sound completely different.

I hope to hear what other people hear and learn to take the extra breath before I speak, or to change my approach so as to not come across like a condescending jerk.  In my effort to grow closer to God and become more like Jesus, kindness in speech is an area that I need lots of work.  I will go out of my way to help you, I just sometimes, sound like a jerk when doing it.

Please follow along, offer advice, and maybe if you find yourself in my shoes, I will motivate you to listen to how you sound instead of what you say. In an attempt to be more like Jesus and treat my spouse and others the way He treats us, I pray this experiment is a success.

Here's to changes,

Josh