You big meanie

It is amazing how us humans are such a proud race.  "I'm not going to let someone do that to,,, ME!" The nerve of someone to think the universe does not revolve around me...  I can't imagine why everyone does not realize that in my world I am right, even when I realize I am not.

One thing I will not do is defend the indefensible.  If I'm caught with red paint on my hands and the wall behind me has my hand prints, I am not going to try to defend myself.  However, if you are, in my head, unseasonably mean to me, I will not stand for it.  Most of the time, I am going to look for allies to make sure my indignation is in check, then watch out, I will return fire with logic that at times, can make your head spin.

What is interesting is that when dealing with the "public" I generally will use my logic and stay fairly civil with the opposing side, but with my family, mostly Amy, I turn in to Mr. Jerk pants.  How dare she speak ill at me! I find myself looking for an instant epiphany from her to understand exactly where I am coming from, what I meant, regardless of my tone and what I have subconsciously deemed as an acceptable response/behaviour from her.  I mean, how could she possibly be thinking the same thing about me? I didn't do anything wrong...

90% of the time, if I just walked away and waited 10 min, the disagreement is either a) a mute point or b) not nearly as earth shattering as I thought.  Although, as I mentioned in my first sentence, why would I let that happen, I am right.

The other 10% of the time...ok 90% of the time, what I intended to be nothing more than a factual statement, is construed as a vicious personal attack on Amy.  To me, stating, "dinner is not ready? you said an hour" is really nothing more than a verbal notation that it has been an hour and well, dinner is not ready.  Thus expecting the same logical response from her of, "yep, it'll be about 20 more min."

However, as I'm told, when it comes out of my mouth it sounds something along the lines of "you suck at life and I do not appreciate your efforts to make a tasty dinner for our family". How the translation is lost, I don't know... well, I can't really say that, since a year ago I started this blog with the intention of examining myself and the tone of my voice to try to get to the bottom of it.

I can tell you that I am not exactly there.  I get so frustrated that I hold myself and my words to a much lower standard to my wife than I do anyone outside of my household.  Especially since I have to live with her everyday.  One would think I would put my forth my best effort here at home.

The other item is my desire to resolve any conflict/problem/issue etc. instantly.  It is interesting, I only have that drive to resolve something immediately is if it is bad, or if I feel wronged.  If it meets that criteria, I want it cleared up immediately.  Because of this, when I might actually be right and be due an apology, I generally escalate the situation to the point where I've now stepped in it and started making factual statements.

Learning to stop for a min and walk away is something I have to work on.  I also have to convince myself of the truth that walking away for a min is not a sign of weakness or a way of conceding my perceived victory to the enemy(Amy).  It simply is the wise choice to make sure I don't say something I can't take back.

Mrs. Britt used to talk to me about being careful with my words.  She told me on multiple times that she did not allow gossip or cross words to come from her beauticians.  Running a beauty shop for 50 years full of women will tend to teach you a thing or two about keeping your mouth shut.  I sure do miss her.  She had a lot of wisdom that she attempted to impart to me and for that, I am very grateful.

Till next week, pray that I take a step to step away when the time is appropriate.


Josh


PS. while writing this blog, I had a Semisonic Youtube mix playing on the tv.  Between the fact that when I was 15 I lived in this house and the music is all from the 90's, I sure felt like it was 1997 and I was watching MTV.

Expectations

This post has been brewing for a few days as I have not had time lately to write.  Between everything we have had going on and I am trying to fight off my annual late October cold, it just hasn't made it out of my head.

Listening to myself talk the other day,  I noticed another element that directly impacts my reaction and tone. That is my expectation of said events.  One of the reasons for my work related frustrated tone is my expectation of my co-workers or just others that I interact with on a daily basis.  I personally think it is not unreasonable to have such high expectations, however, how I react when they are not met probably needs some adjusting.

It really amazes me at what I think someone should be fired for and what actually gets someone fired.  If I were the owner/boss, I would probably have a very lean workforce.  What I tend to find myself in is a mindset that if it is A) elementary level cognitive skills, a grown adult should possess that skill.  B) If this is a job that someone has done for a long time, they should know how to do it. C)If they have been shown or the directions on how to do it are readily available, they should be able to figure it out.  Finally, D) If your company provides a certain product or service you should actually understand or be able to source all that the service or product entails.

All of those things help drive me to be a good employee, however, when I work with someone that does not meet those, I tend to lose patience very easy.  This is the part I have to work on.  How can I go about expressing my displeasure or working through the issue without sounding like a jerk?  This, I have not mastered.  It is something that even now is an issue for me.  This is something that I can apply the Gospel to. I should have a deep appreciation for the Grace God has shown me all the times I have done things I knew I shouldn't have and made the same mistakes over and over no matter how many times I had "learned my lesson".  Acting the way I do above puts me in a really lousy position.  I freely accept God's Grace for me, however, I believe I am above that standard when someone else makes what I feel to be a dumb or lazy mistake.

It goes the same for the way I treat Amy, and down the road, the girls.  Right now, the girls get a pass on most things because they are only 2 and 3 1/2, but as they get older and start to make the same mistakes over and over, how am I going to react?  Hopefully by then, God will grow me so that I will make fewer jerkish comments and more grace filled comments.

Not a lot to go on with this thought, other than recognizing I do this and needing to add it to my mental checklist before words leave my mouth.  Hopefully in the next day or two, I am going to be able to listen to more of my recordings and get a feel for how I really sound to others on the phone.  Most of what I wrote about tonight is how my minds ear hears it, so if it is like other conversations, it will probably be an eye opener.


Josh

What is the point of this?

What is the point of this? I realized that as I start to blog about myself, I need to keep Jesus in the main focus.  I want to make sure that as I grow through this exercise, that the only true growth is getting closer to God.

It is very easy to focus on myself during this and to try to give myself credit for making changes to my "methods" of communicating.  However, what I want to keep in mind that as I continue, as I hear more of how I speak to others, I need to let God lead my heart to sin areas in my life that need fixing.  I need to realize that as we see the truth about ourselves, it is God revealing another part of our life we need to give to Him.

It is a great thing that we experience progressive sanctification.  Think back to a time when a boss/teacher/coach/spouse or friend unloaded a list of all the things wrong with you or something you did at the same time.  It is nearly impossible to deal with such a list or even accept all the things pointed out to you. God treats us the same way.  He reveals things to us slowly so that we can have a heart change and not just behaviour modification.

As I listen to how I argue, I am starting to hear things about how I say something that is not really that effective.  I also tend to unload a list.  Again, stemming from my need to purge an entire topic all at once, I have a terrible "is this worth it" filter.  Even tonight, I received an email from a vendor on the west coast.  It was nothing like the conversation I had with them earlier today, however, since they were still working, I picked up the phone and dealt with it.  Not because it was all that pressing, but because it frustrated me and I wanted a resolution tonight.

I have to learn to step away from situations and accept a wait it out mentality, especially when something is non-essential.  Achieving this will allow me to think through my conversations before having them and hopefully, help me discern what is worth the words.

What are your guides for deciding what is worth the fight/conversations and when to just let it go?

Overall, I want to make sure I use this to bring Glory to God, to let the growth be spiritual heart growth, not behaviour modification and remind myself, it is because of our sin I am this way, but Praise God, our sin is dead and we are no longer slaves to it. Rom 6:14.  This means, that I can change for Gods Glory because it is HE who lives in me.


Josh